Feeling Vulnerable

To anyone who has just discovered my blog, welcome! For the first time since I started this blog I have put it out there and told people about it which is incredibly scary... and I didn't realize how vulnerable I would feel after doing it. I just finished my website tonight and I have posted it on all my social media accounts, and I have a link on there to this blog so people can follow along and read my thoughts, but I forgot that my blog isn't even really about my golf, I tend to write about my thoughts and feelings and my life. It scares me a lot, but I also feel like I am a completely open book now. That's something that I feel is so important for people to feel in their lives. I think many of us put up so many walls and we may feel like we're living life, but in reality there are many parts of us that are hidden and that can really affect the person you want to become.

What also scares me is the fact that I have put all my golf scores out there for all my friends and family to see, and I haven't been playing my best recently so part of me is embarrassed because I'm supposed to be a professional golfer, yet I'm still shooting high scores. But here's the thing: no one really knows what I go through on a daily basis; no one understands how much work I put in; and no one understands how much more pressure there is at the professional level. At the end of the day I have to be proud of what I'm doing and I have to love what I'm doing so although my scores aren't the greatest, my scores don't define me, and I continue to battle with that, but I'm getting better each day.

So to everyone that's new, thank you for checking out my blog! And for anyone who is still curious go check out my website :) http://www.jelsholz.com/

God is good, always

Hello! I always find it funny that I say "hello" when I start my blog posts, but in reality I'm not even sure anyone ever reads these, but none the less I believe if I put this out there maybe someone will find it useful!

So I've been going through quite a lot in my life recently: I graduated from college in May, moved back home, had to find a part-time job, and I made the decision to pursue my professional golf career. Quite a lot to take in if you ask me and it all happened so quickly! Earlier this summer I was feeling a little depressed because I wasn't 100% sure what I wanted to do with my life and although I was going to continue to play golf I didn't know if I'd be any good at it. Then God spoke to me.

I've always been a Christian and I grew up knowing who God was and that He is always good, but I never really spent time with Him and I never got to know Him, but thankfully He changed that. A couple weeks ago my college golf coach invited me to a weekend retreat in Toledo. It all happened so quickly that I didn't really have time to think about it so I said "yes." Looking back now, God knew exactly what He was doing. For three whole days I turned off my cell phone and was taken away from all sense of time, and it was the most amazing experience! It was a women's weekend and I met some amazing women who I know will be with me for the rest of my life. God was present all weekend and He knew what I had been going through and the only way to help me was to get me out of the world for three days to spend it all with Him.

It was hard coming back to reality after such an amazing weekend, but it has changed my life for the better! I still struggle every now and again, but I have learned a lot and now that Jesus Christ is truly the center of my life, I know that I'll be okay no matter what life throws my way. So to anyone reading this wondering what this is all about or to the reader  who knows God, I'll share just a few things I do in my walk with Christ:

1. Pray. I started praying every night a couple years ago, but slowly lost that habit when I felt my life changing, now I'm back and it feels amazing! The powerful of prayer is an amazing thing. So whether you're just getting started or have been a believer for a long while I encourage you to pray, and to pray about everything. If you're worried, pray; if you feel lonely, pray; if you're struggling, pray. God will hear you and He will answer you in His time.

2. Read your Bible. Throughout my life I had always wanted to read the Bible all the way through, but in reality it sat on my shelf and I never really touched it, but it has become my favorite book! If you're looking for a place to start I would recommend starting with the Gospel of John. It will make you a believer if you are not and will strengthen your faith if you are a believer! I am reading through John again and I am amazed at how many things I missed the first time around! Chapter 17 truly is a blessing from God!

3. Love each other. The Bible is filled with scriptures that say to love one another! "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other." John 13:34. This can be incredibly hard to do especially to people you may not particularly like, but to be disciples of Christ is to love everyone.

So these are just a few things I do (and try to do) on a daily basis! Not sure how many people will ever see this post, but my prayer is that this may help one person. Remember always that God is good :)


Jen

Reflections

It's been many months since I last even looked at my blog and since it's a new year I thought I would get back to blogging. There's no better time like the present, right? I am in the midst of my Christmas break and still have a week of relaxing before my final semester of undergrad begins, but I've been thinking about how crazy my life is going to get during 2015 and I simply wanted to reflect before I got too ahead of myself.

I've had quite an interesting and unique college experience--one that many college students don't get to experience. I am a division 1 athlete, something that many students don't get the opportunity to call themselves. I have grown since my freshman year in many ways; I have become a tougher person, and I have learned a lot about myself. It's quite amazing to me to think back to what kind of a person I was my freshman year and the person I am today. I've grown a lot in my faith over the years and have really just started to dive deeper and figure out what exactly my faith is and so far its been an exciting journey. I've broken out of my shell quite a bit as well over the years. I'm still  quite shy and fairly quiet and I often keep to myself, but I more openly ask questions and talk more to people that normally I would not have. I have also learned how to deal with and learn from the mistakes I make. I made a couple mistakes that sometimes I wish I could go back and change and they weigh quite heavily on my shoulders from time to time, but I'm slowly learning to let go of those mistakes and learn from them.

For right now though, I'm reflecting on the past and looking forward to the future, but ultimately I'm living in the present moment. I'm loving life right now and loving the people that I am surrounded by so I'm going to enjoy my life one day at a time and whatever comes I will let it come.

Happiness

I haven't blogged for quite some time and now that I think about it I haven't written in a while either..except for a letter that I ended up handing to the person it was meant for, and maybe that is why I haven't written since then or blogged. But I forget about how great it can be to write down your thoughts and feelings; it allows you to have some freedom with what you're feeling, but at the same time I find it difficult to put the words to the paper because as soon as I say the words they're out there. I think I've just  had a rough time finding the right words to describe what I'm feeling too.

I've hurt a lot of people, myself included and that is not the person that I want to be known for. I've had a hard time coming to terms with my past, present, and future and there's really no escape; and believe me I've tried. I just want to be happy and ok with my life, but I don't know how to get there just yet. I've been battling with myself in this long drawn out war, and it's exhausting. I haven't had much time to talk to myself and listen so I just feel odd now that I have all this time, and in all honesty I don't know if I want to talk to myself; I'm scared about changing what I've known for so long. But that's what change is all about..and you cannot be scared, but I am. I haven't had time to give myself and my personal life attention so I feel out of place when talking about what I want. I am just scared in general about what life has in store for me, and that's not how it's supposed to be. I am supposed to be excited and have a 'go with the flow' attitude about life, but I've known something for so long so I don't know what it would be like without it.

I'm still in search of happiness and I'm not sure how I'm going to get there or what is going to happen, but what I do know is that writing it down has allowed me to get slightly closer to my own happiness.

People watching

Sometimes, in life, I get immense joy by simply watching the world around me. As I sit on the beach now I reflect on my relationships as I watch other ones around me (not creepily, I promise). 

It's enjoyable watching children run around without a care in the world. They try to catch the nearby seagulls, and build sandcastles, and scream when the waves hit their feet. I've always noticed that children are quite special. So innocent and intelligent. They truly see the world in a different way that most people don't. I hope I never lose that innocence. But their are always couples that walk the shore and share a blanket while laying under the sun's rays, and it makes me think about what girls love most in this world: to be loved unconditionally by a man who will be their knight in shining armor. 

Some things I know girls can live without, but secretly there are things that we really don't want to give up, but won't speak up so to all the men reading this, here are a few things you should strive to do and become:

1. Hold her hand in public. It's pretty simple and although you may not think it's a big deal or important any physical contact we have with you makes us feel like the only girl in the world. And continue to hold your wife's hand as you grow old together. There's nothing cuter than an older couple still holding hands. 

2. Send her flowers. Even if you love together, there's something so sweet and romantic about getting a bouquet of flowers from the man your head over heels for.  To us, they symbolize the fact that you think we're beautiful and that you're thinking about us.

3. Hold her. And I'm not just talking about when your watching a movie on the couch, no, I'm talking about in the most random time of the day; pull her into your arms or onto your lap and just hold her. It's another physical contact that makes us feel safe and important. 

4. Kiss her forehead. We love getting pecked on the cheek and on the lips, but the forehead is where it's at. I can't describe it for you but it's just beautiful. 

I guess part of me thinks that this list is what I want, but doesn't every girl just want someone that makes her happy? Believe me guys, us girls can live without these things, but you'd be considered something extraordinary if you did one of these:) 

Let the Healing begin

"Sometimes the healing is in the aching."

It really does hurt when you have to let someone go, and I think it just takes time to allow yourself to heal. Sometimes you have to start back over and remember the positive things about letting go..no matter how hard it is, you have to also let go of the negatives of losing this person. And in reality you never really lose that person; sometimes physically you do, but mentally you never have to rid that person from your mind. You can still remember all the memories you've shared and all the plans you had written down. Sometimes though, life throws you curveballs and we must either move out of the way or hit them into left field.

The tears I allowed to just stream down my face are now swept away. They help with the pain. I don't know if or when this pain and stinging will go away, but sometimes I don't think I want it to because it's still the only thing holding me to him. I'm hoping one day it'll come back to normal, maybe not completely the way things used to be, but back to the laughter and friendship. I think that's what I'm going to miss the most: having someone who completely cares for you and would just sit and hold you for as long as you needed. Sometimes you need to lose something in order to find what you have.

The Pretend Ones

Within the past few months I've become more aware of the people who I have surrounded myself with. I've become more aware of the fact that not all of them will help and support me through the rest of my life's journey, and that scares me. Not every person I talk to on a daily basis wants to make me better; some people just do it for show. That's makes me wonder: Why do it then? If you don't truly love and support your friends or family or coworkers or teammates, why pretend?

I've already learned once that you can't trust just anyone anymore. And that's why I evaluated every person I had surrounded myself with for the past 2 years, and I thought I was fine, but all it takes is one event, one moment in time to make you realize you were wrong. I don't think everyone around me cares about me as much as I originally thought, which is completely fine! In life not everyone will like you or trust you or help you; maybe this is just teaching me that fact before I leave this small world we call college. But being a psychology major I think about things a little deeper than usual and it makes me wonder why people pretend to be something they're not...

I think we're all victims of this. Pretending to be someone we truly aren't, but I don't think everyone does it on purpose. Sometimes certain situations arise where you have to act a different way or pretend for just a second you're something that you're really not. But then there are those people who do it on purpose. Those people are either people who are "people pleasers" and just want to be seen like a fabulous person by everyone or they just really don't care, but if you didn't care why would you still pretend? I have a few people that I have surrounded myself with that I know they are choosing to pretend because they can't get by without me; why? I have no idea, but for some reason I think they think that if they're on my "good side" then they're set! Well, that's not how it works in the real world, and I'm finally starting to see that. The sooner I can not care about what people think or say about me, the sooner I'll be happier with my life and the sooner I can surround myself with real people instead of pretend ones.