I haven't blogged for quite some time and now that I think about it I haven't written in a while either..except for a letter that I ended up handing to the person it was meant for, and maybe that is why I haven't written since then or blogged. But I forget about how great it can be to write down your thoughts and feelings; it allows you to have some freedom with what you're feeling, but at the same time I find it difficult to put the words to the paper because as soon as I say the words they're out there. I think I've just had a rough time finding the right words to describe what I'm feeling too.
I've hurt a lot of people, myself included and that is not the person that I want to be known for. I've had a hard time coming to terms with my past, present, and future and there's really no escape; and believe me I've tried. I just want to be happy and ok with my life, but I don't know how to get there just yet. I've been battling with myself in this long drawn out war, and it's exhausting. I haven't had much time to talk to myself and listen so I just feel odd now that I have all this time, and in all honesty I don't know if I want to talk to myself; I'm scared about changing what I've known for so long. But that's what change is all about..and you cannot be scared, but I am. I haven't had time to give myself and my personal life attention so I feel out of place when talking about what I want. I am just scared in general about what life has in store for me, and that's not how it's supposed to be. I am supposed to be excited and have a 'go with the flow' attitude about life, but I've known something for so long so I don't know what it would be like without it.
I'm still in search of happiness and I'm not sure how I'm going to get there or what is going to happen, but what I do know is that writing it down has allowed me to get slightly closer to my own happiness.
