People watching

Sometimes, in life, I get immense joy by simply watching the world around me. As I sit on the beach now I reflect on my relationships as I watch other ones around me (not creepily, I promise). 

It's enjoyable watching children run around without a care in the world. They try to catch the nearby seagulls, and build sandcastles, and scream when the waves hit their feet. I've always noticed that children are quite special. So innocent and intelligent. They truly see the world in a different way that most people don't. I hope I never lose that innocence. But their are always couples that walk the shore and share a blanket while laying under the sun's rays, and it makes me think about what girls love most in this world: to be loved unconditionally by a man who will be their knight in shining armor. 

Some things I know girls can live without, but secretly there are things that we really don't want to give up, but won't speak up so to all the men reading this, here are a few things you should strive to do and become:

1. Hold her hand in public. It's pretty simple and although you may not think it's a big deal or important any physical contact we have with you makes us feel like the only girl in the world. And continue to hold your wife's hand as you grow old together. There's nothing cuter than an older couple still holding hands. 

2. Send her flowers. Even if you love together, there's something so sweet and romantic about getting a bouquet of flowers from the man your head over heels for.  To us, they symbolize the fact that you think we're beautiful and that you're thinking about us.

3. Hold her. And I'm not just talking about when your watching a movie on the couch, no, I'm talking about in the most random time of the day; pull her into your arms or onto your lap and just hold her. It's another physical contact that makes us feel safe and important. 

4. Kiss her forehead. We love getting pecked on the cheek and on the lips, but the forehead is where it's at. I can't describe it for you but it's just beautiful. 

I guess part of me thinks that this list is what I want, but doesn't every girl just want someone that makes her happy? Believe me guys, us girls can live without these things, but you'd be considered something extraordinary if you did one of these:) 

Let the Healing begin

"Sometimes the healing is in the aching."

It really does hurt when you have to let someone go, and I think it just takes time to allow yourself to heal. Sometimes you have to start back over and remember the positive things about letting go..no matter how hard it is, you have to also let go of the negatives of losing this person. And in reality you never really lose that person; sometimes physically you do, but mentally you never have to rid that person from your mind. You can still remember all the memories you've shared and all the plans you had written down. Sometimes though, life throws you curveballs and we must either move out of the way or hit them into left field.

The tears I allowed to just stream down my face are now swept away. They help with the pain. I don't know if or when this pain and stinging will go away, but sometimes I don't think I want it to because it's still the only thing holding me to him. I'm hoping one day it'll come back to normal, maybe not completely the way things used to be, but back to the laughter and friendship. I think that's what I'm going to miss the most: having someone who completely cares for you and would just sit and hold you for as long as you needed. Sometimes you need to lose something in order to find what you have.

The Pretend Ones

Within the past few months I've become more aware of the people who I have surrounded myself with. I've become more aware of the fact that not all of them will help and support me through the rest of my life's journey, and that scares me. Not every person I talk to on a daily basis wants to make me better; some people just do it for show. That's makes me wonder: Why do it then? If you don't truly love and support your friends or family or coworkers or teammates, why pretend?

I've already learned once that you can't trust just anyone anymore. And that's why I evaluated every person I had surrounded myself with for the past 2 years, and I thought I was fine, but all it takes is one event, one moment in time to make you realize you were wrong. I don't think everyone around me cares about me as much as I originally thought, which is completely fine! In life not everyone will like you or trust you or help you; maybe this is just teaching me that fact before I leave this small world we call college. But being a psychology major I think about things a little deeper than usual and it makes me wonder why people pretend to be something they're not...

I think we're all victims of this. Pretending to be someone we truly aren't, but I don't think everyone does it on purpose. Sometimes certain situations arise where you have to act a different way or pretend for just a second you're something that you're really not. But then there are those people who do it on purpose. Those people are either people who are "people pleasers" and just want to be seen like a fabulous person by everyone or they just really don't care, but if you didn't care why would you still pretend? I have a few people that I have surrounded myself with that I know they are choosing to pretend because they can't get by without me; why? I have no idea, but for some reason I think they think that if they're on my "good side" then they're set! Well, that's not how it works in the real world, and I'm finally starting to see that. The sooner I can not care about what people think or say about me, the sooner I'll be happier with my life and the sooner I can surround myself with real people instead of pretend ones.

Those Moments

It's amazing how one single thing, one person, one moment in time can change your mood instantly. For the past two Mondays I've been lucky enough to have this experience and coincidentally it has been in the same spot with many of the same people and basically the same topic of discussion.

If you take one moment to look back on your life up to this moment, how many times are you able to say that one small thing or a single person changed your attitude within a second? As I sit here myself and reflect upon this idea I realize there have been many a time when this has happened to me, but the more I think about it the more I realize that many of these moments weren't as significant as the past two have been because I have made these moments that significant. For all the others I allowed the opportunity to slip past me and continue on through my life like many other things. What I now realize is that I have to build upon these moments because although they do happen to me I need to make them important in order to continue to feel as good as I do when it happens. Maybe then these moments will mean more if my mood is already as high as they normally make me feel.

Sometimes it's just about discovering something new or being reminded about something that you've known for quite some time; whatever it is, it really doesn't matter, what matters is whether or not you allow these moments to slip by. I think these moments are part of God's graces to us and it's up to us whether or not we will build upon them. He gives us the opportunities we ask for, and even when we don't ask, so why not continue to grow and build on what we're given?

LOVE

What exactly is love? And how are you supposed to know when you are in love or when you're being loved? I've never thought about this small word so much before but now I've just been thinking about these 4 letters more and more. I think you know you're in love when you just feel amazing. You feel like nothing can go wrong and nothing will go wrong. You just want to go ahead and scream it when you see that person next and hug them and kiss them because you know you're in LOVE! But what happens when you get that feeling more than once? When you meet someone else and get that exact feeling you just had...

Now it gets confusing and fuzzy and blurry, and then you're not so sure of what to do. You feel so weird, but it's that 4 letter word that still makes you feel so good. And that small simple feeling makes you feel like nothing is wrong. But are things really that wrong? After all it's just a feeling, but because it has been made out to be a big deal is why you freak out; it's why you panic for feeling it for two different people. Part of you is so excited and happy and feeling the best you could ever feel in your entire life; then your other half is screaming and tearing you apart inside because it has no idea what is going on or what you're going to do about it. And on the outside you have to be completely calm, completely fine about what is happening to you. Then you're alone and you can break down; you can break down over a four-letter word that has put you in this position--a position you would have never pictured yourself in.

Love. What a crazy, stupid, beautiful, insanely perfect word that can make you feel so much more than just the one emotion it's defined to evoke. It is possibly the only word that makes you feel happy then completely sad all at once and so quickly from one to the next. How crazy is it that one simple word can change your thoughts and feelings in an instant.

Nothing New

Once again I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. Earlier this week I had to face some critical choices, some very upset people, and some very big lies. I chose to stand up for what was right and I figured out some very important things about myself and about the people around me:

1. I am tougher than I could have even imagined. I knew throughout the past 2 years that my skin has grown thicker and that I have become more confident in what I stand for, but I was really tested this week and I proved that I'm a force to be reckoned with.

2. This is nothing new, but once again I continued to get tricked and then shocked by people and their actions. More lies and more cover ups just different people.

I have finally realized that I truly don't care what people are going to say about me or what other people are going to do. If I can just do the right thing then the people who matter to me won't mind, and the people who mind don't matter to me. It's a beautiful thing to come across in your life and I hope everyone has that day where they can completely be free. I also found this week quite ironic because I'm learning about conformity in my social psychology class. This week was all about conformity and about how those people chose to conform to each other, and I'm very glad I came out of that my own person. Yes, everyone does conform in certain situations, but if everyone can be their own person in over half the situations they find themselves in throughout a day...we'd have a pretty amazing world to live in.

Changes

It sometimes amazes me how quickly things can change or how slowly they change over time. One day everything is the same, and the next it's not drastically different. You can't imagine your life changing in an instant, but just like that it does. The people, the places, the things, all change from one thing to the next or they just disappear all together and sometimes you don't get a chance to say goodbye...

I've said goodbye a few times within the past couple of months and it hasn't been easy. One moment I'm preparing myself to see these people and these places and the very next second, they're gone. Like they've vanished into thin air. You don't hear or see them, you don't know anything about what happened except for the fact that they once happened to you. It's like a dream. It all seems so real and intense, the feelings you can get are all incredible until you wake up, and realize it was just a dream. Was what happened to me an actual dream though? I mean it couldn't have been....it seemed so real for so long. I held on to every word as if I needed it to support my last breath until I realized it was only a dream.

Sometimes, in life, we come across people or places that are so good to be true that within a couple of years...we realize that they were too good to be true. Not everything can be true and real because what would life be like if everything were true and real? Most true and real things can become wrong and fake so quickly. Things you would never consider, but it's important to have those things happen in your life...because it always keeps you in check with reality. It reminds you of the realness and trueness of life, and forces you to remember that this world isn't perfect.

One person, One judgement

Sometimes it just takes one person....to screw you up. Or when I say "screw you up" I mean to confuse you or make you think twice about people. It consistently amazes me how people decide to live their lives. I know that no two people are exactly a like...but many people are similar to other people and others are so far away from people it's insane. But why do some people chose to live their lives in complete mystery? or complete loneliness? or in complete lies? These are the daily questions that haunt every breath I take or every step I make. And you know what hurts the most....is that these are the people I know and care about....or at least I used to care about. Now a days I really don't seem to mind why these people do what they do or how they live their lives.

I have vowed to myself not to live a life of lies or a life of mystery or a life filled with darkness. No, I vow to live life to it's fullest and to live like everybody is watching and everybody is smiling at me! I now realize that people will ALWAYS judge me for being me, but that's just fine because in the end other people are judging them for being the way they are! In John 15:18 Jesus says, "When the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you." The world hated Jesus!? What!? How could the world hate someone that brought hope and faith to the people? Well how could someone hate me? Simple...because everyone has their own opinions.

Judge me if you wish...however, I will not judge you until I walk a mile in your shoes. I've learned a lot about people lately and I've learned that the more you talk about somebody or judge somebody, the worse you may feel about yourself. Some people make dumb decisions, it doesn't make them a dumb person. It's pointless to talk about someone that may have "screwed you up" because in reality they didn't screw you up, you allowed yourself to screw you up.

Does wandering, make you lost?

What do you do if you ever find yourself lost? Is there a moment of panic when you realize what you're doing or where you are? I guess the kind of lost I'm talking about is not the physical kind, but rather the emotional or spiritual one. When you realize that you've lost the person you once were to someone that you have become, what do you do?

J.R.R Tolkien once said, "not all those who wander are lost." So does this imply that when you feel lost, you're actually just wandering? When I put my mind to it, it makes perfect sense. Maybe if we become someone we aren't supposed to be it's just our mental state wandering, and eventually we find our way back to ourselves. So what makes our minds wander? There are too many answers to that question I believe, but maybe we can discover the biggest ones or can we? In reality everyone is different, and everyone leads a different life. So who am I to say what makes a person's mind wander? Well I can't say what makes other people's minds wander, but I can discuss what makes mine wander...

Now that I'm truly thinking about this...everything can force my mind to wander, but to never get lost. Certain people can make my mind wander the most; these are the different people. These people, usually, are people who have changed or will change my life. Some of these people make me think about myself, and the person that I am becoming. They force me to reflect on myself and ask myself the tough questions that I need to answer in order to become the person that I want to become. Other people make me think about human kind and what our world has become. They make me want to help other people or animals in need. All in all, every single important person in my life has helped me learn a great deal about life and the kind of life I want to lead. They allow me to wander without getting lost.

That One Person

There's usually one person that can change everything for you. That one person that may make you happy no matter what your mood or that person that you can just talk to for hours and hours or that one person you can just be around and enjoy their company. Sometimes you don't appreciate that person until you see them next, and then you realize how important they are to you. I have many people in my life like that. Well it might not be as many as you think, but it's at least 2 or 3 people and for me that's a lot.

I just spent my morning with one of the greatest people in my life and he gave me a lot to think about. Within the 2 hours we spent this morning we talked a lot. All while paddle boarding I caught him up with my life and then he gave me some of his own wisdom. It was enough to allow me to think about my life and my future. His wife is a sweetheart and she always makes me feel loved whenever I'm around her and today was no different. They always listen to me and they're the greatest parents to their young daughter. They make me feel like their daughter and I truly appreciate everything they've done for me in the short time I've known them.

I have one definite other friend that I know will always be there for me and will always keep me in check. She's become one of my best friends this past year and I don't know what I would do without her. She's that one person that I can go to for just about anything and everything. These are the people that mean the most to me. I hope everyone has at least one of these people in their lives. These are the people who could change your thinking and change your life.

Two Faces, One Truth

How can you tell when someone is actually telling the truth? Is it their body language? Or their tone of voice? How about the facts and figures already laid on the table? Now what happens when you believe that person, you allow yourself to fully trust them....and then they lie to someone else about you. They say the exact opposite of what they just told you. So how do you know when someone is being two faced? and what do you do when you find out the truth?

I've met a lot of two faced people throughout my young life and I've been fairly clueless about them all, until now. I used to never be able to tell when someone was lying to me or being two faced to me, I always thought people, my friends, were just telling me the truth! Oh how young and naïve I used to be because those people have taught me how to catch people like them...sucks to be those people who meet me now. I can now tell if you're lying or being two faced...their body language is nervous and fidgety, their tone of voice isn't normally how it is, and I've usually have found out other facts that don't match what they're saying. So now I can tell that they're lying or that you're going behind my back to talk about me.

So now what do I do about that? There are many choices laid in front of me now: I can ignore it, I can confront it, I can talk about them behind their back, or I can move forward in life knowing that I have been honest and truthful to the people that meant the most to me. The hardest part about trying to move on and not bother to give these people any more unnecessary attention is the fact that I'll be doing it alone. No one else will be able to tell you good job for moving forward or tell you that you're one tough cookie for ignoring that. I just sometimes wish people would tell the truth and not be so two faced.

You may have two faces, but there's only one truth.

Make it Stop.

We stop for red lights and for stop signs, we slow down for yield signs and we slow down to let little ducklings cross the road. Most of us say we slow down or at least try to slow down to enjoy life. So how are we able to stop and slow down for the things I've stated above but have difficulty stopping for other aspects in life? These other things may include moving on from a bad friendship or to stop believing in everything that people say or stop seeing someone who makes you miserable. How can you leave someone you've cared about?

I think when you finally decide that that person was never meant to be a part of your life then it's just allowing them to go that's the hard part. I think the mental action of letting someone go is the easiest part. It's always difficult to physically leave someone. I always find it hard to stop looking back at the memories you've shared and the things you've talked about because those were the things that helped shape you into the person you've become. So how do you make it stop after so long? Physically this is hard, mentally it's not. Mentally I've written these people out, they're gone, done, outta sight, outta mind, but when they come around....It's like I go back to old habits. Does that make me two faced--for being nice but having already written them off? Or can I really not let these people go from my life?

It's all a part of growing up and growing older I suppose. You eventually learn who are your true friends and what people will want to be in your life. I'm still learning and hopefully I'll be able to stop myself sooner rather than later with these people. As for now I'll continue to stop at red lights and stop signs, and remember to slow down for life in general.

A look into the future

Does the future ever scare any one else? Because it definitely scares me. I know you're supposed to live in the moment and enjoy life, but how can you not look ahead? I've been asked to look ahead, into my future just today, and everything else popped up into my head. Job, school, family, marriage, moving.....all of it. There's so much running through my mind that it's hard to focus on words to write on this page. It's incredible to me that one moment I can picture everything that I want: who I want to marry, how many children I want, what I want my job to be, where I want to live, it just never ends, and then the very next moment I'm lost in my own thoughts, in the real world.

People come as easily as they may go in someone's life. It's a thought that I find myself thinking about quite often when I think about my future. I think about what friends will be in my wedding or whose kids will be playing with my kids. I guess in reality I just need allow God to take care of my future and just trust him to give me the right directions. But what do you do when you feel pulled in more than one direction? I feel like there are two or three roads ahead of me and I'm too scared to even take one step forward.

All I can do now, I guess, is trust in God and trust in myself that the right road will have a light above it and I'll know to walk down it. Every once in a while though I think we need to get scared about the future, that way we'll all still be on our toes because life can throw anything at us at any minute and it only helps if we're ready.

What do you believe?

There's so many things one person can believe in. There's sports teams, family members, a character on a tv show, fairies, trolls, world peace, God, teammates, unicorns, Hogwarts, a pet, and lies. I find that people believe in lies the most. I know I do...or at least I used to. The only reason why people believe in lies is because they have already put their complete and absolute trust in someone or something. So if their trust is already fully out on the table why else wouldn't someone believe in a lie? Until recently I've always been one to believe in lies. I've never had a reason not to believe people, until now. My whole world has changed with the new thought processes that I've been having. Now granted, not everyone has lost my trust in the world (that would make me paranoid as all get out). But certain people have lost my trust and do I think they'll get it back? I don't know! I don't even know what I'm having for lunch today.

So when people believe in these lies, when does this make believe become reality? For me it happened within a few days. I could piece together the made up stories like a puzzle, not to mention the truth was finally revealed by people closest to them. So when reality is finally found and space is used how much can a person believe of the previous conversations and actions done? How much of these past two years was real and how much of it was a lie? I feel like not a day goes by without thinking about how much I didn't lie, about how much I was open and real with this person, and how stupid I was to do any of that. Does this also mean that they couldn't trust me enough to tell me the truth? Makes me question the kind of person that I have become....but then again, it makes me question the kind of person they have become as well. Why does a lie need to be told in order to get attention? I would rather have someone get my attention by showing me how much money they have rather than listen to someone tell me a lie.

It's an unending cycle. People lie to get what they want, other people believe them, the truth comes out, people make up, and another lie is told. So how do we break this cycle? This is the step where I've been stuck at. Is it about forgiving and forgetting? or maybe forgiving and helping? These are the questions that will help me move forward with this situation and future situations that arise (lets hope their won't be too many). I've always been one to believe in lies. But now I'll believe you until you lie to me and then....well, I can't seem to make myself believe you again. What do you believe in?